WHAT DO U WANNA BE???....

Ever wonder what u wanna be when u grow up?

For me i never really thought about it. Especially when im in primary sch. However i still remember i wanna be a wedding gown designer. Yes it silly of me i know! I can remember clearly that when i was in pri 3 or 4, i bought this drawing book to sch and then start drawing my "creations" down. Yes i love to draw! Not nature stuff nor abstract stuff but i have a fetish of drawing people. haha....i love to draw people expressions....face...eyes....hair...lips...but i hate drawing the nose cuz i suck at it!! haha....ok back to the topic...so i start to have these wedding gown collections and showed them to my best friend then. Nope not u Estar..haha..its Adlin...haha she told me she always wanted to be a designer too if im not wrong...so there i was in my class when im like supposed to be studying im drawing..haha...i lost the book unfortch...hope it doesnt fall into the wrong hands...quite embarrassing actually!!!

Then when i reached pri 6 to sec 1, i wanted to be a rock star! yes i always love music and i wanna be a star!! i wanna be as famous as the spice girls!! haha yes its their influence lah...then me and bee always thought and wished that one day we'll be big! very big together. we'll form a girlband and stuff. we were singing everyday...play songs as loud as we can and mimic the dance moves and stuff!! i remembered us doing a demo together. and send it to sony...haha... Fun times....those were the days i missed...there was no stress...i was dreaming everyday...sigh...miss those days...

then when i was in Sec 3 onwards i wished i was actress..haha..yes theatre plays will do...remembered the drama and numerous skits and hosting we did estar in sch? i was sooo sure i was ready to make it in the entertainment industry!! Our sch musical i was also involved...great experience acting and singing in the Victoris Theatre to thousands of people!! I was hooked!!!!! i love the lights the glamour and the star treatment!!! haha...i love being able to express out a character that was never me...but i guess i'll never make it now...that im in BS it is sucking out my creative juice in me...i remember i used to be soo bubbly and joking all the time but slowly its sapping me out!! education is totally bringing me down!!!

thats why i wanted soo muh to join mass comm...however due to the lack of "ooomphh" in my command of the English language i was kicked in my gut twice. oh well guess its not meant to be....

Whats my ambition now? hmmm...i still wanna be a rock star and be in the entertainment industry. Alas i dun have the looks nor the body the mass is looking for so im putting those dreams aside....thats why i join a band...its to appease the music spirits in me...now im just glad if i'll be able to work in the entertainment industry...probably in fashion or music...major in marketing or advertising or something. creative things....im creatively-challenged..im not super creative but im pushing myself to be..hopefully one day i'll be able to work in new york and get my dream apartment....in the meantime i'll just see how life is gonna bring me....

so...what do you wanna be when u grow up?!?

EXAMS SO FAR

sorry guys me now suffering from some chronic hand fatigue so hard lah type...so im not gonna do my usual essay type blog. here's how my papers so far...

HRM- quite easy..craps alot...i think this is a waste time subject...

Micro- hard like shit..those bitches obviously wants us to fail again...aiyah dun care lah see how the results first....

oklah thats all i can master...very sleepy lah yest sleep only 2 hrs study micro...SOOO not worth it sia...aaargghhhh!!!!

I need a hug!!

More sad/depressing quotes...enjoy...

-Life doesnt want me death doesnt either I wish there was just an in between, something that was easier.

-Everyday i wake up, I cry a little more. Everyday i wake up, and i die a little more

-Death is the punch line of a bad joke called life. Once it comes you are so happy for it to finally be over

-Depression too often walks hand in hand with a deep sense of helplessness.

-The Person To Dry Your Tears Is The Person Who Made You Cry

-Society offen forgives the criminal but never the dreamer

-SO OFTEN I LOOK IN THE MIRROR TRYING TO FIND SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL ... BUT ALL I SEE IS ME

-Life had one simplistic fate, every1 was born 2 die, so y the hell is it so complicated???

-Time Doesnt Heal Anything!!!!

-Why is it 'goodbye' has the word good in it, when it never is?

-Suicide is just a cry for help that nobody saw

-If suicide is selfish then why do you think we do it?

-Pain is beauty

-You loved me when i didn't loved myself

-It's amazing to me how I can be surrounded by a ton of people and still feel completely alone

yeah thats all for now.....next time i free i'll find and post more!...

MOTIVATIONLESS (does this word even exists?!?)

i have no urgency or motivation to study at all. im dead and i dun care. U people can bitch behind my back for all i care. estar i think i might repeat the whole semester with u next year! haha...well at least got friend to suffer with! haha....

DISCO NIGHT

Dear fairy godmother. will u do a kind deed by *poofing* all the S'pore Idol contestants to never-never land. (more like never-never sing again land!!) Probably back to the disco era where they can ALL start to learn how to dance AND for gods sake SING!?! Or u can conguer up a new island called "I Love Jerry" and he can be the President and then ship all his fans and his church and the rest of the idols to that island too!!! This is for the good of mankind as these people are a danger to the society!
Thank You and have fun! (oh btw, remember to bring ur ear-muffs..it'll be helpful! Oh and make sure they dun come back...if there's still space u can take the judges and producers too! So there wun be any repeats in S'pore Idol 2..if there will ever be one... ) =P

some few sad/depressing quotes i've found online:

-Lifes Like A Candle So Bright And Strong At That Start But Then Slowly Begins To Die Out

-My aspiration in life is death.

-Why is it that the people you love hurt you the most?

-Behind this disguise, my life has unhearingly spokenThat my life is hopeless, and my thoughts are broken

-Often suicidals dont want to die, not in the split second we do it, we want other people to see the physical pain we go through because of the mental pain they inflicted on us before we do die.

-I carved your name in to a bullet so you'd be the last thing going through my head. (wah this one a bit extreme ah! haha...)

-I don't envy I just wish

-Just wish i was anywhere but here

-If you love me then you'll die for me.I love you so im dead.

-A break up is like a broken mirror its better to leave it broken then hurting yourself trying to fix it

-Within my soul im flooded with the red sea for my heart bleeds tears.

ok these are only a few nice ones...i'll try to find more...

THE THING CALLED LOVE

"The Greatest Thing You'll Ever Learn Is Just To Love And Be Loved In Return" quoted from the movie Moulin Rouge.

Inspired by estar's lyrics, i decided to contribute on my ideas on LURVE!! Mine will be more on BGR love than family love. Cuz im more familiarize in this. I dun understand much about family love cuz my family is not around all the time anyways so i dun give a hoot about this genre.

Being i love and in a relationship is wonderful. Meeting walter is the next best thing that has ever happened to me. I never felt so much care and wantedness (is there even this word?!?) in my live. I felt secure and was provided with the best treatments like hugs and kisses. Especially when im feeling really upset or happy! Its not that friends are not good enough, the feeling is different. My freinds will always be there for me i know them. But being with ur other half, sharing so much intimately feels like im in heaven. hehe...

Once in my life, i was afraid. I was so afraid to put myself in a relationship that i rejected so many guys who were wooing me (not that they are suitable anyway...most are jerks..) Im not the despo type ok! but my dear fren mandy helped me thru this. thanx babe...ur advice on relationships helped as ur more exerienced than me...hehe...she told me to give love a chance. to open up. to receive whats mine.

I did. and thats how walter and me got together. i was very very sceptical at first because i known him for like only 2 months. im like so young lor! But we feel so right for each other. We complement each other. i felt it to so i decided to give in. we are together for almost 3 years now and going strong. our future together is bright. hehe...

to estar and many u-think-ur-lonely soul out there. Dun look for love. love will find you. dun rush it and if it comes dun feel scared about it. embrace it with open arms. to some of you, it will happen today or tommorow, for others it might be many many years later. i know how it feels to be "alone". But ur not alone actually. You still have frenz and families to go to when there's problems.

Being in a relationship is not all rainbows and sunshine either. its also about risks and responsibilities. Many break up because they eventually feel they are not suitable with each other. thats why i recommend that dun just go steady with people blindly cuz u wanna me in a relaionship. breaking up sucks like hell trust me!!! ooh and dun repeat ur mistakes.

ok thats all from me. im no aunt aggie k! haha craps!
Happy searching guys!
Good Luck! =)

Yes i've decided to change my blogskin to a less complicated one...though i still love my screaming priness, its time to let her go!! haha...well honestly im getting bored with her. Its time for a change!!!
Im using my first blogskin. I think this skin is perfect. Its neat and its in two of my fav colours! HOW PERFECT! haha...

oklah gtg me gotta study liao...HRM this Sat and im freaking out!

Zan OUT!

THE SIMPLE THINGS

Thanks estar for your support yesterday! Thanks again for the banner u made yesterday.
Though we may not get in, im really glad u came to support. At least I was not alone when I screwed up!

Talking about that, I made a major blunder. I was like forgot when im supposed to come in so I missed 2 whole bloody verse and dunno when to come in for chorus. Then afterwards my mood like totally went out. So the second song aka Fact or Fiction Breakfast Club da remix was totally bland blah blah boring. My energy went out cuz of disappointment and after seeing Joe's face. Nobody could hear my voice in the second song and at the end it went out of tune. How great right?! So I guess we didn't get in then.(still haven check. Nobody bothers as everyone thought we are so axed! Haha.) Im totally cool if we didn't got in but im feeling like super duper guilty cuz of my lack of effort put in. I know I can do better (like this wed performance in the American sch. That was a great performance!) but I didn’t so im like feeling soo pissed off. Nvm there’s still more gigs and competition to look forward to.

Yesterday me went to the Lime party at cineleisure. Went there to check out Soul’d Out’s performance and see Singapore idols. Soul’d Out sooooooo totally rawks!!! The Singapore idols should come check the singer out! Her voice power! When will my band ever reach that standard?! Haha. But I know for certain that my voice can never ever reach as high as her. Like I told my band members. You cant make norah jones be Christina Aquilera. Soo not possible. If my band want a sexy diva, they can jolly well find someone else!
I was quite disappointed cuz Jeassea was not there with the other idols. Jerry got soo much booing and thumbs down yesterday! Haha he deserves it lah. Why dun he just VOLUNTARILY drop out of the competition? Waste of time and effort. But i gotta salute him for his thick skin!!!

Oklah enough of my craps. Cheerios!!!!

Muggers

Im definitely not one of them. these muggers study like mad for exams. im not and im wondering why though. Hmmm...yeah im an anti-mugger aka Lazy bum bum...haha...me skipped all me classes this week...been feeling exhausted all the time. PMS ah! haha...my tutors are extremely worried about me. everytime ask me call them and talk. Ok fine i have depression but i dun have to talk to you losers? What can i talk about??? U people will tell me to study hard, education impt..blah blah blah...those shit i know ok u all dun have to remind me!! I've decided, to complete sch at my own sweet time. Yes even if it takes 3 1/2 years or even 4 years! i know people will gossip about me or talk behind my back. But seriously i dun give a damn. It my own bloody life so piss off gossip mongers!!!!

Singapore Idol

the are the losers for spore idol last night. The "winners" are JERRY ONG, David Yeo, ok...basically all lah except leandra and Olinda. haha...these 2 performance are ok only lah at least not wince-worthy! MAy singapore BAN these contestants from dancing. EVER.

Singapore American School

Man this sch rawks! seriously! haha..better than NP of course. The students are cute like hell! the wed my band played there. To estar: The girls are hot! Too bad u didnt come! haha...our performance are definitely better than the mooncake festival thingy! we became more confident and the audiences are bobbing their heads and dancing and we also got a loud applause. so it feels good! haha hard work paid off!!! after that many ang mohs came to us and said Good Job! yay!
im more confident now for this sat auditions. Its the power 98 PowerJam competition and if we got it we'll be competing in the semi finals. The finals will be held at Zouk! Damn cool ah i soooo wanna win. But i dun think we're that good yet lah so we're just giving a shot! We are concentrating more on JamX the competition. so wish me many many luck guys!!

Woohoo our school band Soul'd Out won the Battle of the Bands!!! the're also performing this sat i think for the lime party!! our mentors...haha...

BIRTHDAYS BAHs!!!!

This is dedicated to estarino.

Hey trust me i know how u felt especially about your birthday. I never really had a birthday bash before. Neither have i ever had cake (last time i remembered it was during secondary 0ne) Nobody bothered buying me a cake. (other than u 2 years ago. which i must say, i really really really appreciate it though i didnt get to eat it, it must be very very nice!) Everyone is always busy during my birthday. I had a pretty good birthday this year when my class gave me gifts and a card. Quite shocking actually. I know what u meant when u said about the presents. i dun have a lot of presents too actually. I always always envy people who always have GREAT birthdays evry year. (one such example is Mandy. Always lurve her parties!) My parents forgot about my birthday all the time. haha. i never received any gifts from them before. (not like i care...) So my overall 19 birthdays of my life is pretty much blah blah blah boring!

thats why i always go for simple dinners with my good frenz. Nothing ever go wrong with dinners. remember u made me a mike! hehe..that year we went eat steamboat! yeah i remember that! (and that stupid britney spears movie which sux sux sux!! haha...) estar be happy that your frenz are with you with your birthday. what happens during it doesnt matter. it is you birthday u should make up the best of it. next time, let me and bee do your birthday! haha...

im cynical. I always think that people give presents so that they expect people to give them too during their birthday. Then its not sincere right? what happened to pure "i wish u a happy birthday and here's a present to commemorate this day and i hope u like it"?!? what different value is there between a gift and well wishers? i believe as long as people REMEMBERS your birthday and wish you well you should be grateful. I dunno which idiot came up with birthday presents. What is the point of presents? U mean the more the value and amount of presents we get means the less useless we are in this world? hmm....

people may say that cuz i dun have much frenz and i dun get presents and i say all this cuz im just trying to console myself can jolly well fark theselves. i know better cuz i have experienced the best of both world. plastics fake people exists around us. whatever i dun need "i pity you" gifts too..i want i cant buy myself!

to conclude, its the wrong way to be angry during your birthday estar. I mean, you ARE getting a year older. If i were you i'll be angry with THAT!!!

I WASN'T BORN WITH ENOUGH MIDDLE FINGERS

First a shout out to ASStarino oops I mean EStarino. “Happy Birthday to YOU!” Oh.. me feels like singing a song! A birthday song to you. Here goes..”Happy Birthday to you. You are born in the zoo. The Monkeys and Donkeys. All fall in Lurve with you!!!” haha..i think it goes something like that lah. Oh did I mention this birthday boy present is an attachment to the Singapore Zoological Gardens?! So what a perfect song. Hahahaha! Wasted ah I never go to your barbeque. Oh well, if not for the case of two VIP (Very Irritating People!) I’ll definitely go. Talking about presents, I haven got you one. Haha. Like DUH huh. Well you know I know im broke so there goes. Haha.. Guess I owe you one.

Beverly and Jessea got kicked out from spore idols yesterday. Aarghh...no motivation to watch the show liao. haha. Seriously what the fuck!!!!!

White Chicks
This show is hilarious! i love Bitch Fits aka B.F. now i know what to name my seriously PMS-y tantrums. Bitch Fits! I especially like the part where the black guy trying to woo the cop guy! haha...he is soo...Chauvinistic Pig! haha....this show is a must watch if ur suffering from pre-exams stress! me give them 3.5/5 popcorns!!!

Im utterly disappointed with my two picks for Singapore idol, Jessea and Beverly. their performance was DEFINITELY not up to standard. Slow songs is a no go in Spore Idol. The highlight is definitely Taufik. Personally i believe he was the best. Although mediorce, his voice is rich in tone. Which should stand him out of the crowd. The rest, can i say ruly doesnt deservethe spotlights. Peer pressure is not an excuse. Im slightly pissed that the judges did not like Taufik's performance. They commented that Jerry performance is good!?! OMG this shows that they are definitely biased. *humph* I believe if Nana was in she'll sure kick all of their arses. Olinda rendition was only a so-so. Honestly, there are many i know who can do better. The judges crowned her the best performance of the night?!? Tsk tsk tsk. Singapore idol bring us singaporeans to shame.

SHIT CAN HAPPEN TWICE

today is my group's presentation for POOP culture (oops i mean POP! Whatever!..) and you know what? one of my group member did not come again for the presentation and the slides are with her!! aargh...this happens before and now it happens again! but thank god she fianlly send me the slides online or else i'll personally go over her house to murder her! i think she definitely repeating Poop culture lorz like that never do 2 presentation. what a waste of time! I hate poop culture. its lame and i dun gain anything at all from this bloody class. anyone who's thinking of taking poop culture next year please dun. dun put urself in the same misery as i did. Yawnsville is more like it. im so glad this is the last class. BYE BYE POOPING SUCKERS..haha...

talking about last lessons, today is my last lesson for Drama and Poetry. This module is the highlight of my whole year in NP. Its a great module combined with a great tutor. He inspires so many people and experienced so much. Honestly if im not dating i'll definitely go after this guy. he's charming, smart, loves art, wicked sense of humour, great smile can act and read poetry! My sort of dream guy. as i've said "DREAM" guy. rarely happens in REAL life. haha... classes with him are soo much fun. oh well...sometimes in life, good things have to end one way or another. its the lasting memory thats important. =)

There's this really gorgeous deep purple wallet i saw at jurong point. its not branded and costs a measly $19.95. cheap right!! the sad part is, im like totally broke..so broke i cant be broken anymore!!! aargh....this wats happen if ur like jobless and moneyless. there's like 1001 things i wanna get. im so frustrated as i bite my lips so hard as i walk away from that stall. piss me off sometimes that i cant afford that kind of lifestyle. sometimes i feel like crying. some people have all the luck in the world. if i get that wallet, i cant afford to eat and go to sch the whole of this week! haha...imagine. a new wallet but empty. haha....

LIGHT UP MY LIFE!

i had a great time yesterday. me and dearie played lanterns and candles. so nice! he even lit up a mini bonfire from twigs. almost burned down bishan park! we had a picnic of mooncakes. though i dun really like them but i still ate them. (they're from raffles hotel so very bloody famous and expensivo! haha..just eat lah!) haha...hilarious! i love mooncake festivals. I get to be a kid again! last year i remember celebrating it with my classmates. we went to chinese garden. so many colourful lanterns so fun! but i think its kinda crazy charging so much just to go into chinese garden. so...being students and broke we decided to play outside. haha... although me celebrated lantern festival slightly early this year the atmosphere is still there. its the first time i celebrate this with dear. he usually not interested but this year he joined me. so sweet of him. I have the best bf in the world!! hehe..*muaks*

"Grooving It"!

Oh well...yesterday gig was fine...though not like great or something. We performed our original and also "Careless Whispers". I dun like that song sia. Yucks. Toilet song...haha...oh well....we did it in this mooncake festival thingy at this condominium. Quite boring actually the activities. A lot of kids. Double yucks! haha...i think our performance can be improved. especially my part. im not mariah or whitney or something so please stop asking me to be one k!! *GRRR*
dearie came to support me...how sweet of him! hehe...thanks ya!!!
next week is the audition for power 98 thingy and i dun think we're ready. Nvmlah we're aiming for this Jam X competition so hopefully by then we'll rock the house YEAH!!!

Zan presents...................

this week me groups did pretty well in presentation! Im so proud. My blaw got an A grade! YES!!! finally hard work paid off!! me FMGT the tutor said we got full marks for our presentation in FMGT! SO im pretty pretty pretty happy!!! well..exams time now so gotta buckle up!! im rearing to go.......

My first gig with the Breakfast Club is this Saturday. Im quite scared actually. Nervous jitters more like it! Im so afraid i'll screw it up. We'll be performing 2 songs. One is the one i wrote for them. "Grooving It". Yeah!! haha funky music lah....our auditions for Power 98 Band competition is on the 2nd October! One week i think! Im freaking freaking out!! Estar's birthday falls on the same day too! haha...just to let you know estar...if ur reading this...im REALLY not getting you a present. Just be mentally prepared huh! haha im broke to pieces...haha...maybe next year lah.... =P

I WANT I WANT I WANT

there's like a million things im setting my sights onto...im too broke to buy them...
i hope any kind soul who have like a lot of cash to spare, please please be my santa!!!!
hehe....so here are the finalists:

1) A new bag. Probably a Von Dutch one. big or small aint matter. i wanna own one! *hint* a pink one is nice! hehe...

2) a bloody new haircut! I wanna look like ashlee simpson..she's damn hot lor....i want bangs like hers. unfortch me dun have enough kah ching to visit my ahem..hairdresser at kimage....so....*whistle*

3)a new wadrobe. Im sick and tired of wearing the same shit all the time. my wadrobe needs a major makeover.

4) new earrings. i love them. especially if can find a gold/silver hoops or any butterflies. i love butterflies anything!!!!!!!!!

5) wallet. in pink. black. leather.expensive.branded.

6) Shoes!! yeah me need some more heels...more sandals....maybe sneakers...

7) Pendant. me heart broke when me pendant (a prezzie from dear on valentine's day) broke! to mend it i need a new pendant. silver or white gold is nice enough thank you very much. =)

8) Extrim or Xando tablets. Enough said.

k i think for now thats about all. Christmas is around the corner and my birthday is too far liao...so....i believe pple who still owe me presents for my THIS YEAR birthday can buy them for me. While the rest of you can save up for it...haha...preferably number 5, 7 and 8. Cuz they're more expensive...

MOTHER NATURE

Mother nature sets me thinking. Is it me or is it really really SUCKS being a female in this world. Honestly, i hate being a woman. Why am i born a woman? I have to suffer a week every for every month of my life having menses cramps. The inconvenience of being totally useless in this weeks. I cant run, cant carry heavy things, cant eat drink certain things, eat a whole lot of panadols ( 3 at one go! The pain is unbearable!!), sleepless nights and mornings cuz the pain keeps me awake and half conscious all the time, visit the toilet like every few hrs....many many more where that come from...

Oh and the fact that female are less physically capable than the males. PMS. More emotional. Very image conscious, and who says females make better housewives? I cant cook for god sake!! (prob burn the whole house if i did!!) let alone do housework!! AND WHY HAVEN I SEEN ANY FEMALE PRESIDENT?

Since they say (they definitely is the male ego speaking!) this is a male dominant world. Fine. Then why cant MOTHER NATURE let the MEN have all this burden?? Let them carry the child in their tummy for 9 months then afterwards suffer labour pain..let them be weak emotionally and physically..let them do all things woman hate to do and what their fate brought upon them...

Come to think of it...NAH!!! they dun deserve it...thats what makes us so special and precious...cuz ultimately...
MOTHER nature sounds way better than FATHER nature. =)